Children show us when something is difficult
Children's behavior does not arise in a vacuum. It is shaped by the child's experiences, relationships and the contexts the child is part of.
Therefore, my first question is rarely:
How do we get the child to stop?
I am more focused on:
What might be happening for the child – and what makes the reaction make sense in light of it?
What we see as the problem can sometimes be the child's way of trying to solve something that is difficult.
We must understand before we try to change
What we adults experience as problematic behavior may be the child's best attempt to manage a situation, a feeling or a relationship.
That does not mean that all behavior should be accepted. Children need adults who set boundaries, take responsibility and provide direction.
But if we only try to change what we can see on the surface, we risk overlooking the most important thing. That is why I am focused on what lies behind the behavior – the child's feelings, intentions and needs.
Understanding is not the same as acceptance. Understanding gives us a better place to act from.
The child must be taken seriously – but not always literally
Children must be listened to and have real influence on their own lives. But children also need adults who dare to be curious about what lies behind their words and actions.
A “I don't want to” can mean many different things. It may be about insecurity, overwhelm, anger, a need for self-determination – or something entirely different.
Therefore we must listen to what the child says, without necessarily understanding the words literally.
It is the adults’ responsibility to be curious about what the child is trying to tell us – while at the same time retaining responsibility and leadership.
The child is part of relationships
When a child is struggling, I do not only look at the child. I look at the relationships and the contexts the child is part of.
In a family, we influence one another all the time. What one person does affects the other – which in turn affects the first. Therefore, it rarely makes sense to understand a child’s behavior in isolation from the relationships in which it arises.
It also means that the path to change in a child sometimes begins with us adults doing something differently.
It is not about placing blame on the parents. It is about responsibility and possibilities. As adults, we have a much greater opportunity to change something in the relationship than the child does.
We work with the child – not just with the symptom
My goal is not only to make a particular behavior disappear.
I am focused on the child behind the behavior and on what happens between the child and the people who matter most.
When we become wiser about feelings, intentions, needs, and the patterns that arise between us, we also gain more opportunities to do something differently.
This is often where more lasting change becomes possible.
If we work on everything, we really work on nothing
Family life is complex. There can be many things at stake at the same time, and often they are connected.
But if we try to work on everything at once, we actually risk not working on anything.
That is why I am interested in, together with the family, finding out what is most important right now – and starting there.
When we become concrete and create movement in one place, it can affect something else. Because in a family things are connected, and a small change in one place can create movement throughout the whole family.
